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August 26, 2013

Carmelo Anthony’s Wife Will Cut His Dick Off If He Ever Cheats

by Jared

There’s a fantastic write-up in GQ this week about MediaTakeOut, one of my favorite sites on the Internet for its ridiculously over-the-top headlines that vacillate from flat-out bullshit to kernel-of-truth-wrapped-in-terrible-grammar-and-spelling. The piece profiles site owner Fred Mwangaguhunga, former tax lawyer, and how he created what people call “the black TMZ.”

It’s a great article and totally worth a read (it’s not too long, dear readers, don’t worry), but our favorite nugget has to be the lead-in, where Carmelo Anthony’s wife LaLa meets with Fred to discuss the “Honey Nut Cheerios” story… ostensibly. Her true purpose is quickly revealed:

La La is aware that MediaTakeout can be the enemy of both good taste and public figures such as herself. But she also knows that the site is where nearly every grimy rumor sluices down to, that Fred’s sources are myriad and omnipresent—managers and publicists, video vixens and hangers-on, aggrieved hairdressers and under-tipped waitresses—and that if there’s anything worth knowing about her husband that she doesn’t already know, Fred is the person who will know it.

So, she asks: “How’d they come up with Honey Nut Cheerios?”

Fred doesn’t know much more than that about where the rumor came from. Which is okay, because it turns out La La has a second, more important question that Fred does know the answer to. She doesn’t really care about Honey Nut Cheerios. The cereal was a pretext. What she really wants to know is: Has Fred heard about anything involving Melo and women who are not named La La Anthony? Tabloid stories have a way of begetting more tabloid stories. Groupies, girls, that kind of thing—just look at Tiger Woods, whose one VIP hostess quickly turned into a dozen after news of his infidelities went public. Once she’s on the front page of the Daily News next to a stranger’s quote about her vagina, La La says, “that’s when people feel like, ‘That’s my chance to start something up or to make something up.’ ”

Fred nods sympathetically. On this subject, he says, he can help: “No bullshit came out.”

“Good,” La La says, as somewhere far away from here a chill shoots down the spine of the NBA’s reigning scoring champion. “Because I’ll cut a motherfucker’s dick off, okay? And that’ll be the next story.”

Her name might be one funny syllable repeated twice, but La La ain’t nothing to fuck with. We hope that Carmelo isn’t currently stuffing his jump-offs onto a Greyhound bus headed for the Canadian border.


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